This pain in my chest!!!!!

What else is new???? I awake out of my sleep cuz I feel like I’m having a fuckin’ heart attack!!!!!! I’m trying to breathe normally, but this shit hurts like hell!!!! As customary, I reach over to the nightstand and take my pick of narcotics at my disposal. I get up and grab a glass of water to wash it down with and then I paced the floor for a few moments in attempt to regain full feeling in my right leg. Again I re-live the electrocution in my head and do my best not to be frustrated. I sit down at my computer desk and begin to surf da net. Gotta check my fantasy football team to see if I’mma win this weeks match-up ya know. Hey, in summa these leagues I gotta lotta $$$$ on the line and have anxiety about winning. I figured I’d burn the copies of Shark Tale & The Incredibles that I dl’d from my bootleg sources and put em on DVD’s so I can watch em later on. I then burned the new Ashanti joint to a CD after I did the movies. I’m just trying to sit here until the pain simmers down a bit, or until I fall asleep. I’m doing my best not to get frustrated this time, but the thoughts of ‘quick fix’ to end all of my pain does cross my mind.

In the midst of this selfish thought, I see the face of my Mom. The face of the woman who’s given every ounce of love that any person in this world could ask for. I hear the prayers of my Mom asking God to help me with this illness. I see the smile on my Mom’s face and feel the warmth of her touch as she hugs me and tells me that she knows that I’m going through a lot with this pain, but to not give up. I start to think of my nieces who I love so much. The lil’ girls that make me light up when I hear them holler out “Hey Uncle Greg“. I think of my brother and sister who look up to me and who view me as a rock of support, never truly knowing that I feel like crumbling each moment that the intense pain strikes my body. I think of my Dad, who truly is supportive of me but not been around enough to really see the pain that I feel, but only hears me talk about it via long distance during our weekly conversations. I’m far from suicidal, but this pain makes me contemplate my existence. It makes me really ask God why I was kept alive after that accident. I dunno why, but I struggle daily with thoughts of frustration and anger. I really do try to think positive and I suppose if thinking about the people in my life that I love will help me make it through the day, then well… that’s what I gotta do.

*wipes tears from eyes and tries to go back to sleep*